Originally published on Sept 30, 2022
The past couple of years I had gone through a dramatic and extensive period of personal growth that was prompted by heartbreaks in high school. Now, I can more confidently describe myself as a fully functional adult. This phase of my life entailed numerous components of learning, but the collective result of which can be more generally categorized as “becoming more mature”. But what is maturity? It is a word often thrown around when describing people. As much as we use it, it is not nearly as often clarified or defined, but it seems like we all unanimously share the same definition of maturity. Indeed, shared experience can promote a unified agreement on the definition of a word. Despite our general agreement on the use of this word, it lacks depth and preciseness. Ambiguity not only allows room for confusion and miscommunication, but this lack of clear definition can also lead to the abuse of power.
About Words
Words are tools of communication, and they aren’t more than that. They are created and defined according to the social need of the people, they may change meaning anytime, anywhere and without any mercy to their legacy or tradition. They do not have tradition, seniority, or legacy. Their sole purpose is to serve our communication. They change according to the change in our culture, custom, and even habits. They are the product of human interaction, and they reflect humanity. We select our words like we select the ideal gardening tool for a particular gardening task. Specific tools are created only for specific tasks, few tools are designed to, or can, cover a multitude of tasks. There are three actors here: the gardener (the speaker), the tool (diction), and the garden (the audience). Using a tool that lacks a clear definition or isn’t quite right could at least accomplish nothing and be a waste of time, and at worst do harm to the garden. When a word is not clearly defined, it could decrease the effectiveness of the communication or mislead the audience, both at the cost of the audience and the speaker.
Another issue concerns the power to define. When a word is not clearly defined, then the authority to define that word can be exploited. Firstly, it could be held by another entity, such as the church, a political institution, or a superior. For example, if the ruling power determines that one shall be punished when treason is committed, yet refuses to define treason, then it holds the power to draw however big a circle they like and can technically jail critiques of the state.
If no singular entity possesses that definition, then the social group that most closely identifies or aligns with that word can assume the benefit of the power to define. This usually occurs when a collective, such as a culture, a tradition, or a movement, elevates the value and power of a term, but no singular entity is authorized to define it. An example would be how ancient Chinese medicine is perceived in China today. This term merely describes the field of medicine that was based on pre-modern Chinese practices. Yet, it was bequeathed the ancestry and value of ancient Chinese culture. With the lack of a clear structural and scientific definition of this field, no one holds the authority to challenge it, but those who work in that field may profit from the population’s misunderstanding and superstition.
Another real-world example in North America would be some of the progressive terms that we’ve seen. It could be anything from LGBTQ+ to any other trending hashtags on Twitter. Because of the weight and consequences of those social movements, these terms are given a higher status, which can lead to a social fear of discussion or even asking for clarification, while those who are socially accepted to use them seem to hold more social power.
I should note that in these cases, we can collectively stand up at any minute and say: “hold on, let us define it first!” and redefine the power balance. And that is exactly what I am here to do. Obviously, the term “maturity” holds far less power in itself and is far less intimidating than the terms I mentioned. But providing a clarification to this term serves other purposes.
Firstly, this process could contribute to the English dictionary. Currently, the Cambridge dictionary defines the term maturity as “the quality of behaving mentally and emotionally like an adult”. While this definition accurately reflects the social understanding, it lacks substance. The term here is not defined as itself, but rather compared to something else. It’s like defining the color “red” as not the color “red”, but the colors of apples.
Secondly, I hope to establish an understanding of maturity that is more fundamental and concrete. There is an infinite number of blog posts and articles that seeks to define maturity and emotional wellbeing by the exemplification of a certain way of living or course of action. We have all heard of titles such as “8 things that emotionally healthy people do” or “7 signs that you are mature”. I wouldn’t disagree with these observations, but these ideas are only observations of something else. Like the dictionary definition, they only describe what maturity could look like, but not what maturity is. Furthermore, using examples of maturity as definition of maturity is a weak argument. Not only is it very unlikely that there is one example of maturity that reflects all types of maturities, but, as I shall demonstrate, maturity is about how we do, not what we do. Here, I hope to establish something more central and fundamental.
Thirdly, this term is central to human development and is nonetheless part of my exploration of philosophy and understanding of this world.
About maturity
Before I set off, I should mention how I approach this discussion. I will attempt to define this term to the fullest extend, meaning that I considered as many examples of maturity as possible, then find the common, underlying thread. This means that this is based on my observation of everyone else’s understanding of this term. I attempt to find the most recurring pattern or factor in all examples of uses. We can begin by looking at what is generally perceived as maturity. We generally regard a person transitioning from childhood to adulthood to also be increasingly mature. They are given more responsibilities, and more tasks to do. They have to abandon the careless, nomadic life of a teenager and become bounded by the rules that comes with their increasing responsibilities. It seems like maturity is about the changing relationship between a person’s desires (a child’s desire to throw a tantrum) and rationality (the presence of responsibilities repress those desires). I define maturity as one’s ability to manage, contain, and accurately position one’s own “world” relative to others. We all live in the same physical world, perhaps even the same country or city. At the same time, however, we live different stories due to the difference in our background, experience, and interest. We see, experience, and think about different things and we live in different “worlds”. While each of our individual “worlds” are full of other people, each of us is the only main character of that “world” and we each aim to satisfy our individual needs and to maintain a secure sense of self. Every one of these “worlds” represents a “self” and are constructed by two core components: one’s senses and one’s experience; the former reflects one’s relationship with themselves, and the latter reflects one’s relationship with other people. Each of these two components also has a time component, as I shall try to explain.
One’s senses: this is our emotional, flesh senses. It includes our more animalistic and basic senses, such as hunger, sadness, jealousy, wants, and desires. These are senses that influences us more on a daily basis, but this component also includes more “higher level” senses, such as our happiness, our interests, our fascinations, and our life goals — they are what ultimately define us and makes us unique. Furthermore, our senses are often time sensitive. We often want to respond to and satisfy our senses, whether its sadness or hunger, and our desires, whether its an Amazon package or life achievement, as soon as possible, in the moment. This reflects the time component.
One’s experiences: here, “experience” encompasses the physical, emotional, spiritual, and every other kind of experience that exists. This is largely influenced by our environment, and it is what we believe to be the truth. We are defaulted to prioritize our own experience over experience of others. Here, “others” are not simply everyone else, but it could be any identity group, other than mine. It could be our family in relation to other families, our ethnicity in relation to another ethnicity, and our country in relation to another country.
Additionally, we are likely to emphasize our current experience over experiences of other times — either the past or the future. The “current” in this case could be today in relation to tomorrow, this year in relation to last year, this era in relation to the past. We often give more significant to what we are experiencing “now” than the past or future, as the present feels more real, it is more memorized in our brain, and directly affects us more. Thus, it is the more “main character” experience. Within an individual, present is usually ranked most important, then the past, and the future is last. Ironically, it is the future that holds the most potential.
This framework can be demonstrated by the figure above. A few notes here: I removed the outline for “senses” and “experiences” because, while I see them to be distinct from one another, they operate in an interwoven manner, and some may even argue that our senses are our experiences. Secondly, how we manage our senses reflects our relationship with ourselves, while our we manage our experiences reflects our relationship with other people. As you might have observed, our world is entirely constructed by the emotional side of our being. We experience, we feel, and we want. We are programmed to emphasize our own “world” and, while it may sound selfish, it is a crucial component that makes us each a unique individual. Without a strong sense, strong understanding, and strong hold of this “world”, we are incomplete, and we are prone to being violated and taken advantage of. However, in a reality of limited resources, cooperation and concession with other people are necessary. None of us live alone in this life and any interaction with others requires us to manage our relationship with other “worlds”. Thus, I define maturity as one’s ability to appropriately and rationally manage and inhibit our own self. This is a game between sense and sensibility, it is similar to the relationship between our superego and our id. Here, I will use a few examples of maturity to demonstrate. Financial planning for the next year: A lot of adulthood is planning. Financial planning, especially, entails limiting current enjoyments, and this reflects one’s ability to inhibit their desires. Secondly, planning for the future reflects one’s ability to prioritize a future time (a future experience that is not yet experienced) over the current time (the current experience). Understanding the opposition during an argument: This reflects one’s ability to inhibit their desire to win and ignore the other side, and one’s ability to consider the other side’s experience to be just as valid as their own.
These examples demonstrate that maturity seems to be inhibiting and limiting the “self”. It must be noted, however, that doing so logically and to a reasonable extend is also part of maturity. When the force of inhibiting the “self” becomes too great or unfair, it ceases to be logical and reasonable. Some may assume that as long as they are inhibiting their desires, they are considered to be mature. But if not done correctly, the desire to act mature is only just another desire. To put it in a bluntly, if immaturity is thinking that “I am the center of the world”, then maturity is realizing that “I represent only a quarter of my family and 1/7 billion of the world”.
Avoiding conflicts is a great example. Many of our parents have told us that walking away from a fight is wisdom. Indeed, it is an act of maturity, because it reflects one’s ability to suppress their primitive desire to “fight back” and feel significant. But if we become too compromising, we could be compromising our boundaries and being unfair to ourselves.
As you might see, maturity is about a healthy balance between the self and the logical. If we consider our sensibility (id) to be a force to the right and our rationality (superego) to be a force to the left, maturity lies in the force that aims to restore an equilibrium between them.
Balance between senses and rationality
But where is that point of balance? I believe that equilibrium is correctly understanding our’s “self” and making informed decisions upon that understanding. It not about what we choose to do, but rather how we make those decisions that matter. Regardless, I consider the point of perfect balance to be analogous to the relationship between a father and a son that are visiting the zoo. The father represents our rationality, and the son represents our sensibility. The zoo and all its attractions and un-attractions (poop smell), represent the tasteful and distasteful parts of life. The son’s role is to freely experience as much as he wants. He will tell his father all the animals he wants to see, all the food he wants to eat, and all the attractions he wants to go to. His main objective is to have fun and satisfy himself as much as he wants. He sits on his father’s shoulders because he is the sole reason they are here at the zoo, but he is not allowed to freely roam around and he is, at all times, subject to the decisions his father makes. They are only here, after all, because the father bought the tickets and can supervise his son. The father, on the other hand, has all the responsibilities. He will listen to what his son wants, and he will take him there. But at the same time, the father is aware of how the weather is changing, where the closest washroom is, when they will have to line up for food, and how much they can spend. Furthermore, the father should consider which attractions are they can’t go to. Perhaps close interaction with large animals isn’t a good idea, despite how much the son desires. What the father mustn’t do is forget his role. The moment the father shares the desires of his son and compromise his decision making is the moment that the father loses his authority. The father is responsible to consider everything and discuss with his son about what they can or cannot do. It is crucial that the father does not shut down his son but fully discusses with him the whys and why nots. The father is to make logical decisions, while fully respecting what the son wants. Here, it is also important for the father to understand what is behind the son’s needs and desires. Indeed, some desires driven by basic needs, such as the need to feel warmth, be fed, and defecate. But there is this other category of desires that is driven by other emotions, such as sadness, jealousy, and comfort. Recognizing these sentiments are important to a healthy relationship with one’s self, but understanding them and restraining their influence on our decision making is equally crucial functionally of a mature person. This is what I imagine to be a healthy relationship between our sensibility and our rationality. While our rationality seems to be limiting our sensibility, we are only able to flourish and fully express ourselves because our rationality can guide us there.
The last thing I’d like to discuss is the different levels of maturity. A teenager that can refrain from throwing a tantrum in public, for example, demonstrates some level of maturity, but I’m sure most of us would agree that he is still more immature than not. As I mentioned previously, all of our choices and decisions originates from what we desire (the son). But have all our decisions gone through a discussion with our rationality (the father) ? Most of us reading this probably does implement that discussion process. Everything we choose to do reflects a compromise between what we want and what we can have. But is every one of our decisions 100% “rationality proof”? That social event that we always wanted to go to but didn’t, is it only because we couldn’t make it or is it because of our social anxiety? The Amazon purchase we just made yesterday; do we really need it? The relationship we are in, is it because we want to be with that person, or we just want to be with a person? Are we really a late-night person, or are we just unable to put down the phone? Our decisions all involve rationality to a certain degree, but I’m willing to bet that we are truly in control or aware of very few of the decisions we make. At this point, some may argue that it is inhumane and unnecessary to completely remove our sensibility from our decision making. After all, we are here at the zoo because we want to satisfy our senses. But just as ambiguity in words create room for miscommunication, ambiguity in our decision making creates room for mistakes. Not at least engaging with this ambiguity is not maturity. If we revisit the father and son relationship mentioned above, the key isn’t that the son can only experience what the father allows him to and be entirely excluded from the decision making. The key is that the father is always aware and always in control of what they choose to do. You want to buy that not-entirely-useful-thing from Amazon? Sure, but don’t lie to yourself about useful it actually is. We should allow ourselves to slack off, buy useless things, eat unhealthy food, and make less-than-mature decisions. But all of this should be done at the presence of both our rationality and our sensibility. If the son really wants a bit of that unhealthy fried food from the food truck, the father shouldn’t look away and pretend nothing happened, but he should be aware of how much fried food his son has eaten and how much more he can have. Letting our rationality being in control is not about making decisions that only suppressed our desires, but being aware of what we choose to do, being responsible for it, and being able to stop ourselves when we cross the line that we choose to draw.
This largely concludes my thoughts on maturity and the relationship between rationality and sensibility. But, here I want to expand a little and focus the discussion on the sentiments that influences us. As mentioned earlier, there are a whole range of human sentiments that influence our decision making, other than basic bodily needs. Sentiments such as sadness can compel us into self-pitying, jealousy can compel us to sabotage relationships, and the desire to feel significant can compel us to ignore what we truly care about. These sentiments can have direct and very significant impact on our relationships if left untethered. There are three levels of relationship we can have with our sentiments. Level one, identifying the sentiments that are influencing our decisions. Level two, understanding where the sentiments comes from. Level three, correctly positioning that sentiment in the larger context. As an example, consider a guy that is trying to make friends but is failing to make progress. He is feeling defeated and it is negatively influencing his confidence in himself. At level one, he recognizes that he is feeling defeated. At level two, he understands that this frustration comes from the difficulties of making new friends, but he also recognizes that this difficulty comes from his inability to be vulnerable and open up to others. At level three, he should connect this understanding to the overall context of his life experience and goals. Here, he understands that even though he won’t make many new friends soon, he is putting in genuine effort and he sees himself practicing being vulnerable to others. His frustration in a specific problem is compared to his overall personal development and he sees that he is making progress in other ways. The third level is the most important as it can help us accurate assess our sentiments and provide guidance of our next steps. (I expand more on the third level in my article about how we should manage our relationship with failures and successes. I make the connection between our sentiments and failures/successes because our sentiments are reflection of our expectation of the world and responses to positive/negative results.) The three levels reflect our ability to comprehend emotions and analyze ourselves outside from our world of experience. The better we are at understanding emotions and recognizing our “world”, the less control sentiments can have over us and the more control we can exert over our lives. To answer what different levels of maturity look like, I believe that the extent at which we are aware and responsible for our emotions and decisions we make indicates our level of maturity. Again, it is not about what the decisions are, but more about how we come to those decisions and how much we understand our emotions. Were our choices entirely motivated by emotions, or were they a deliberate choice of balance between what we want and what we can have?
This concludes my thoughts on what maturity looks like to me. I’m still learning and growing as a person and these thoughts may not be what I ultimately believe to be the most accurate. Maturity is a vague term that encompasses numerous qualities and there are many manifestations of maturity. I only hope that what I have discussed here brings us closer to the true definition of maturity, and I hope that this can provide some insight for those that are on their journey of personal development.
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